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Fields of Dementia - 128 kb/s mp3 file (6.41MB) (2-11-2002) he idea of this song is sort of to represent a very confused, not-so-stable, slightly twisted outlook on life... gee, what a surprise coming from me, huh? :) It's hard to understand things sometimes, but somehow, there still manages to be a degree of harmony, and unity, and the blending of emotion and melody into something tangible... something that you can reach your arms around and grab hold of with all your might in some kind of crazy effort for something... something you don't understand... for reasons you don't know. It is a strange emotion... and not an obvious one. Perhaps it's what happens when ALL emotions get blended together. An open field looks like just a patch of green from miles away, but when you're in the field itself, the perspective changes completely. This is similar, but differs in that, unlike a field in nature, it's a blending in an unnatural way... anger, bitterness, hopes, dreams, desires, sadness... emotions that just aren't meant to go together are somehow being forced into a blender and spun around at a hundred miles an hour. I'm not sure what you would call that. Whatever it is, it is very high powered... it's like downing four pots of coffee that were laced with Vivarin... a strong, driving desire and energy to move forward, and keep moving, even though the path ahead is completely black, and you really don't know why you're moving the direction you're moving anymore.
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The pace forward changes as the dominant emotion
changes, but always seems to have that same "feel" throughout. As time
goes on, things get more complex... more intense... but this can only be
held for so long... try as you might, fatigue will set in, and strength
will begin to wither. As life continues on, and things don't end up
being what you thought they would... things not as good as you thought
they would be... plans not coming out like you hoped... disappointment.
Things were supposed to be better than this. These steps you've taken
were supposed to have more meaning, and bring more happiness... yet
somehow, they just brought more confusion. What seemed like a clear,
righteous path in the beginning has now turned into an overgrown rocky
mess of a trail being navigated in the middle of the night with
sunglasses on and no flashlight. All the things you did to point things
in the "right" direction... those things that fired you up, created that
drive forward, that fast pace in the direction you thought for sure
things needed to go in... they all just ended up leaving you
unfulfilled... and unsatisfied.
This mindset will wither away at that aggression,
that adrenalin, that driving motivation. It will wither it all away,
until you can't hide it anymore, and finally you have to give in. It's like... you're holding your breath, and holding it, and
holding it... and it's getting harder, and harder, and harder... then
finally, like an explosion you have to let it out and take in a new
breath... leaving only the underlying screwed up hodgepodge mix of
emotions that don't make anymore sense now than they did when you were
moving at a hundred miles an hour. Except now... now that things have
slowed down, you can sorta look around a little at the world around you,
and the only thing you can think of saying is... "what the hell...?" By
the end... all the confusion, craziness, senselessness... it all just
fades away... it fades into a strange sort of blissful melancholy that
leaves you staring blankly at the flickering flame of the candle sitting
on the corner of your desk.